Dec 26

Happy Holiday(s)?

Did everyone have great holidays? Great. New Years hasn’t happened yet, so it seems weird to pluralize holiday, but Christmas happened. Well Hanukkah happened, too. Wait, is Hanukkah one holiday or multiple holidays, because it happens in a series of nights? Maybe that’s what people mean when they’re saying “happy holidays”, they’re just assuming everyone is Jewish. Unless it’s applicable to Thanksgiving as well. Thanksgiving is a holiday, but they’re like a month apart. Or if you’re Canadian, Thanksgiving happens in October, and that’s like two months apart. What if you’re Canadian and Jewish? Can-ewish, if you will. People must be exhausted from telling you happy holidays. It should just be socially acceptable to say happy holidays year-round if you’re Can-ewish, eh? Hey if a Canadian Jew is reading this right now, do you find yourself saying “eh” more or “oy”? Oh no, now I’m being offensive. It was an honest question though, I need to know for future blogs or if I meet a future fellow Can-ewish. Anyhow, lemme know in the comments below. Or write a rancid email. Mazel Tov!

And happy holidayyyyyyyy             s.

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Dec 07

Haters Gonna Hate Hate Hate

So I’m just gonna shake shake shake their hand and look at them with dead eyes.

A note to the haters:

I’m not onstage to prove something to you since you’re just gonna look at me the whole time like “Does he really stutter?” I’m onstage to share my experiences because I would hope that to a room full of strangers, the majority wouldn’t care if I stuttered or not. I’m there to be funny, and occasionally crack a joke about my voice. But you’re too busy sitting there making bets with the people at your table to try and confirm your own speculations.

If you made it all the way to my website to further investigate, here’s your answer: I’m not going to tell you :)

The satisfaction it gives me knowing that people out there question it, makes me happier than if I were to just tell you. So you can keep speculating, and I’ll keep giggling because I’m not doing this to prove it to you. I’m doing this to make people laugh, and if I’m lucky, change some perspectives a little bit.

I don’t go buy a printer at office max and wait for the salesman’s shift to end to ask him if he was telling me the truth in there. Or if that’s his real voice. But every show, people do that to me. So I’m done talking to people after shows.

Friends believe in me. Fans follow me. And audiences believe what they want.

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Sep 23

Hotels

Comedy has been making me stay in a lot of hotels lately. Out of town, of course. Not like in hotels next to my apartment, like I’m doing a weird hospitality Venn diagram.

Hotels are weird because they have very strict check-in times. Check-in is usually at 2pm, and if you show up a few minutes early expecting a room , they glare at you and kick your luggage. Are you saying no maid finishes a room at 1:58? Are there no go-getters at this Holiday Inn?

Why do I feel like every morning the cops are kicking in my door when actually it’s just one maid? What’s the point of putting “do not disturb” if you’re going to come into the room regardless? Maybe we have a different definition of disturbance. I think mine is rapping on my door at 8am, and theirs is if a pack of wolves bring individual boom boxes and break the complimentary coffee maker.

I’m also certain the hotel conditioner is just hotel lotion and the hotel lotion is just mayonnaise.

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May 03

Massages

I hate how closely “massage” looks like “message”. One is something you give your girlfriend when she’s feeling stressed. And the other is a massage.

There’s two kinds of massages I guess? There’s the regular massage which is where a lady rubs your back and hands and feet. And then there’s the Thai massage where a lady beats the crap out of you. I think the Thai massage is more for the masseuse, because I imagine it’s really relaxing getting to punch someone with your feet. Best $50 dollars I ever spent.

When people can’t pay at restaurants because they forgot their wallet, the manager makes them work; does that also apply to massage clinics? Like, “You cannot pay for your massage? Grab some oil and start rubbing that guy.”

I never know where to look when getting a massage. Do I just stare into her eyes like this is a mutually sexual thing? If it is, would I still have to pay? Or do I close my eyes and just pray she won’t stab me? I’m very vulnerable, so it makes sense to shank me in a back room where I’m naked and slippery.

I went to a couples massage the other day: And I actually had a great time massaging this couple. They were good dudes. And this blog had a happy ending.

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